| There are times where I have realizations or a moment of clarity. Usually they involve figuring out something that I just can't put into words, or an idea or plan than I should invoke in the near future. But those aren't really life changing events.
IMO, an epiphany is an idea that changes your thinking or your values so much, that you end up living your day to day life differently. I think everyone has two...maybe three of those in their lifetimes.
I had one on friday night, and it was set off by a simple(yet complex) sentence...
"You're like a brother to me."
If you're a guy who's reading this, you have an idea of what happened here. And if you're a girl...NEVER tell a guy this. NEVER.
This phrase, and other phrases like this, have been said to me time and time again thoughout the course of my teenage life. And after awhile, it starts really messing with a guy's head. 'What's so wrong with me? Why can't women see me as anything more than a friend? What am I doing wrong that's not attracting them?'
And by magic, something snapped inside my brain and my reasoning took over and it said...
"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me after knowing me all this time, the ONLY thing that you can see me as is a friend? Is that the only aspect of me you know or bothered to know? Or is it that you're just using me as an outlet for your emotional problems and don't see the other aspects of me that makes me who I am? And if I'm such a great guy, why haven't you realized that I have alot more to offer you than what you think?...Are you kidding me??"
And then I started smiling.
"Hell, I know I'm not the most handsome or successful or smartest guy out there, but I have a whole hell of alot more value than apparently you or anyone else has realized! And you didn't want me cause you could only see me as a brother or a friend?? You know...you're right. It's NOT me. It's YOU, because you let a great guy go for no real reason! Besides, if you could make that decision from only knowing ONE aspect of myself, then why should I be with you in the first place? I don't need to be with someone who sells me short like that...and I HOPE that you will end up someone who will treat you as well as I would've!"
The strangest thing happened afterwards. All of the depression and the self-doubt that I felt from being alone or unwanted just...went away! Also, the need to impress people or care so much about what they thought about me dissappeared as well!
I feel like I've just woken up from a long nightmare. Everything just seems alot brighter, my confidence is awesome, and I've haven't been this stress free in years! I should thank all the women I met for making me realize this...it's been far too long in the making.
I'm back. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Rashid: So I went to vote yesterday...
Lydell: That's great! It's the first time you did it and you should be proud to be part of the process of selecting your leaders!
R:...yeah right.
L:Wha?
R:I only knew who 3 of the people were in only one seat of government! Who where all those other people I chose to elect? What do they stand for?
L:...You didn't pay attention to any of the issues before you voted?
R:...No...
L:...So why did you vote in the first place? I mean, did you really think that voting for something that you have no knowledge about would be a good thing?
R:......I voted because I had a strong opinion about one seat of the state office...
L:But you still have a RESPONSIBILITY to learn what's going on about the other seats of government.
R:Okay I get that. But how am I going to learn what's going on out there?
L:Read! Duh!
R:Read what?
L:Websites! News! The newspapers! There's all types of things!!
R:And how do I know what they are saying is correct?
L:......
R:And that's my point. Politics is tainted.
L:Elaborate.
R:We don't know if what people are reporting is true or not! What did they do while in power? What do they really stand for? Are they just telling us what they want to hear so they can obtain power? Should we really listen to the mudslinging that goes on? I mean, if a president is bad, does that really mean that the other choice would be any better?
L:...You just have to do the best you can with the judgement you have.
R:...but we shouldn't HAVE to settle for 'the best we can' when it comes to who leads and represents us! We should know who these people are and what they stand for! Maybe then people will actually give a damn and vote, cause when you only have 114 people out of 14,000 people from a district voting then you have a problem! Of course, you can't do that if there's so many corrupt politicians running around...
L:And maybe they aren't corrupt at all. Maybe it's the news fucking up everything.
R:SEE? That's what I mean. There's no...no honor anymore. People are out for themselves more than ever, but their goals and ambitions affects a whole lot more people that just them. The potential voters know it...or believe it...and it pisses them off and they decide it's just not worth it. So instead of becoming something that's worthwhile, it's just...a farce of what it should be.
L:.........so...what should we do about this?
R:I just don't know. Knowing the problem helps alot, doesn't it? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Snow Cathedral: Tekken 5:DR | | Subject: | Civil War | | Time: | 01:45 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) annoyed |
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| I think it was the comic star D.L. Hugley who said, "Everyone knows someone where they work at that is THIS close to gettin' their ass whooped." He was absolutely correct.
You wanna know the hardest thing about working in an office, or resturant...or hell, ANYWHERE for that matter? Dealing with the scorn of co-workers. There's always gossip and complaining going around. They can be talking about someone with you one minute, and the next they'll start talking about you behind your back.
And they will. They're probably are doing it right now. Just all up in your business, exploiting everything that you did and maybe told them in confidence to people you don't want to know. And the worse part is, that even though they don't know the WHOLE story(because you don't trust them enough to tell them your problems), they still do it mainly just to have something to talk about.
DOESN'T THAT JUST FUCKING PISS YOU OFF??
I know it does. As a matter of fact that hostility and anger that you feel right now is always present when you're at work, just brimming under the surface. It's waiting for an excuse to be let loose, and as soon as someone says the wrong thing at the wrong time...
In short, a job isn't just work. It's war. And I think it's stupid.
Why do people have to be that way? Why is there so much hate and unfair treatment out there? I mean, with all the war and civil rights problems that have occured in the past 100 years alone, why is shit like this is still exercised in the common workplace? I have no answer to that, but ever since I started working here, I didn't want to get caught up in the bullshit. So I didn't get involved or try to get involved in the shit, just shut up and do my work and make it through the day. Kinda made sense, right?
Well, I found out that when you have someone who works with you who you care about(and who other people say things about without knowing the whole story), sometimes you just have to speak up to protect them. Then again, if someone is ignorant of who a person really is, and decides to slander them anyway, should you put any worth in changing their opinion and let them STAY ignorant?
Either way, I have to 'fight the war' to protect who I'm fighting for. But if I do that, would it just create more hostility? How is anything ever going to change if no one steps up and has a 'peaceful' mindset?
Maybe sometimes you just don't have a choice. You just have to do what you feel is right.
Sigh. Where is Spiderman when you need him? He'd know what to do... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Rashid:......
Lydell: You okay?
R:...AAAAAAAAAAARRRRUUUGGGGGGGG!!!!!
L: LOL!!
R: I mean...I mean WTF?!?! How can people just...THINK that way?? It's...I just don't understand at ALL!
L: Okay, let's just approach this statement by statement. Sounds alright to you?
R: Eh.
L: Statement 1-The things that you believe in, rather you want to admit it or not, is part of the Ten Commandments. So you DO believe in some of the teachings of Christianity.
R: And what 'things' are those?
L: Doing things for people because they would make YOU happy, and not because you want rewards for good service. That, and other statements that derive from that, are the basis for the Commandments, right? So why don't you just admit that you accept those laws?
R: Because that is COMMONSENSE. I didn't look in a bible or went to a church, saw the Commandments, and say to myself 'Hey, that seems like a good idea! I'm gonna follow those from now on! :)' As I lived through life I made those decisions based on the things that I have experienced, not because a religion told me to.
L: Okay, but you cannot possibly say that your concepts of good and evil, and 'do unto others...' has nothing to do with the Commandments, since they came about centuries before you were born!
R: Are you saying that humans cannot possibly come up with those concepts on their own, and that they HAVE to be influenced by a previously estabilished religion or ideal? How can you possibly say something like that? What right do you have? What PROOF do you have?
L:...
R: Alot of different religions say things that I can agree with, which is why I don't have a problem with people that practice religious beliefs in general. I DO have a problem with those that blindly do things because of their belief in a diety or a god, which leads me to having a problem with the aspect of religion as a whole.
L: And that brings us to...
L: Statement 2-You can't blame a religion if people commit wrong doing on it's 'behalf'. And you can't blame the people who worship a religion because of past 'miracles' that the diety is believed to have done.
R: Okay, first let's tackle the whole comparison to slavery issue.
L: You mean the one in which hating people who practice a particular religion because of what was done in the past in its name, is like hating all white people because some of them practiced slavery.
R: It's not the same thing.
L: Bullshit.
R: As far as I'm concerned, there's NO good that's involved in slavery. I'm totally against the idea of it, the understanding of it, the practice of it, and the people who follow it. And if the practice of slavery was still going on today, I would be totally against it. But it's not.
Now like I said above, there are some things I do agree with in reference to most religions, but there are alot of things that people have done in the name of religion that are fucked up. 9/11 anyone? Jews vs Nazis around WWII? If a faith in a religion can be skewered and twisted in such a way that can lead you to do things like murder and war in its name, then I don't understand how the religion can be a totally good thing. That doesn't mean that I dislike all people that believes in a god, just those who base their decisions on their spiritual beliefs and not their personal beliefs(ESPECIALLY if they involve hurting others).
Concerning what is written about what the deity/god did in the past, I've kinda changed my stance on that a little but it's not completed yet. Sorry.
L: Hmm. Okay, let's keep going.
L: Statement 3-How do you deal with all of the things that goes wrong with your life? Who do you turn to when things are just always going bad? What if you run into something that you can't explain? How can you deal with those things if you don't have any faith?
R: I usually don't have anyone to talk to about it, so I just think of the problem, think of a rational way to solve it, and put the plan in action. If I'm stuck with the problem, then I'm just stuck with it. I remind myself that things could be worse, I get over it and I continue with my life. Sometimes it's really hard to do, sometimes I relapse and become depressed, but I always overcome it in then end. That's the way it is with me. And my writing help me put things in perspective.
L: So what about your faith?
R: I have faith in myself. I would like to think that the problems that I've encountered in my life has made my mind and heart stronger.
L: Faith in yourself?? How can you do that? Do you see yourself as a god?
R: No, but I know what I'm capable of dealing with. And if I can't deal with certain things(which will happen if I became depressed or it's hard), then I have to strenghten my mind to do so. What's wrong with that?
L: It's just...weird.
R: Weirder than having faith in something else? Bottom line: I think that depending on a higher power to help save you or give you strength is a cop out.
L: WHAT?
R: Why do people pray to a god? To make their lives better. To save them from sickness and poverty. To praise their good fortune. To explain things that you can't explain. It's like...like they are using it as an escape from what hurts them. Why can't people just make things work by themselves? Why do people keep their faith in a 'higher power' to deliver them from whatever instead of having faith in who they are or their own mental strength and worth?
L:...Maybe humans aren't strong by nature.
R: And they will never be strong unless they can change their way of thinking. I mean, if I was a god, I would question humanity's reliance on me by now and say 'after generations of praying to me, why aren't any of you people standing on the two feet I gave you yet???'
L:.........
R: Continuing on...
L: Statement 4-If you don't believe in any spiritual god, do you believe in the devil?
R: ...You know, I think I've told someone that 'you're going to hell' as many time as I've called someone a nigga.
L: Which is extremely rare, I'm proud to say.
R: I don't really believe in the devil because, simply put, I don't know that he/she/it really exists. Mainly because...I'm not dead. I don't know if there's really such a thing as a soul because i've never seen one 'enter' a body. If someone medically dies for a minute and then comes back to life, I can't say that your god allowed you to come back because...I don't really know(I mean, medical equipment and techniques aside). If you believe in these spirits, than it's okay, but I...I just don't because I haven't experienced them for myself, even though I admit that just like all things...they COULD exist.
L: Okay. And for the coup de grace...
L: Statement 5-I wouldn't marry someone who didn't believe in ANY religion or spiritual presence. I'm not gonna compromise my faith and beliefs for no one and that will have all types of problems with bringing up children and the actual wedding.
R: Sigh. First of all I cannot speak for others that take a similar stance that I do on religion, but I know that if I'm gonna marry someone, it's because I deeply love that person and I am more than willing to accept and compromise on our differences. In the scope of religion, compromise means that even though I may not be able to understand your religion or why you chose it, I can accept that because I love her. And even though she can't understand why I choose not to practice a religion, she can accept that because she love me. We can co-exist. Isn't things like that is what 'marriage' is about?
'Compromise' doesn't mean that you can only practice your religion have assedly, because I would never ask someone to do that.
L: Okay...but what about stuff like marriage and children? Obviously there would be some major difference in opinion there.
R: I don't really have my marriage built up in my mind (most men don't imo), so that would be up to the wife anyway. If it's important to her to have a certain type of wedding, then I don't really care...
L: And the kids?
R:......Let me put it this way. It's one thing to force something on a kid that can't think for themselves, but it's completely another to tell a kid that they will be something when they have the ability to reason and make their own decision. And when my kids get to that age, I don't want them to be taught Christianity, Buddism, OR not to believe in a god. I want them to be taught RELIGION. What it means, the different ones that they are in the world, why some people choose to...or not choose to...believe in it, and have them make their OWN decisions of what to believe. How can you even fathom forcing your beliefs on someone, especially if they don't know any better??
L: I see.
R: And when someone says that they can't be with someone because they don't celebrate a religion, ESPECIALLY someone who really loves you, to me that's just as bad as hurting someone for the sake of your religion! You're making a decision like that based on your religious beliefs rather than your personal beliefs, which I cannot stand! Why would that be okay for someone to do??
L: .........
R: I mean there should be nothing more important in any relationship than having someone who totally loves you. I mean, parents that are supposed to love their kids no matter what, but some parents treat them like shit. Are you supposed to excuse that because they gave you life? If your with someone who shares the same religion that you do, and they supposedly cares for you but repeatedly keep hurting you, Then that's not right. You know?
L: ......Yeah, I get it.
R: I think I'm done.
L: Got everything out of the way?
R: Yeah.
L: She kinda...broke your heart, didn't she?
R: Not her fault really.
L: Meh. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Sorrow of Losing the Object of One's Dependence: NGE-D&R | | Current Location: | Work of course | | Subject: | Nature Of The Beast | | Time: | 10:29 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative |
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| What is 'Reality'? Rather, what is your 'perception' of your reality?
Reality is, simply put, what you wish it to be. If you want it to be full of content and happiness then it will be. If you want it to be full of pain, misery, and hate then it could be that as well. You have the ability to do anything and be anything you want within the realm of your mind...
However, you don't have the ability to confirm your 'existence' on your own.
People need other people to interact with them, comfort them, love them...therefore showing that their lives are worth meaning and thus...confirming their 'existence'.
Imagine that one day, NO ONE talked to you or payed you ANY attention whatsoever, like you didn't exist. Wouldn't you feel aggravated? Indifferent? Lonely? Empty? Now, take a minute and think about what it would feel like if you lived that way EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. Would you want to live like that? Wouldn't you rather kill off this empty existence and just start over?
I bet that many people feel that way in some way or another, cause if they didn't you would have any of the problems that are in the world. People wouldn't feel the need to escape their harsh realities by drowning themselves in alcohol and drugs. If people wasn't brought down the fear and anger of others, there wouldn't be violence and war. And the fact that people want things because they see others happy just showcases their jealousy, whether or not they want to admit it.
So we cling to others. We cling, sweat, pine, and scream for their affections and approval so our lives won't be filled with emptiness and sorrow. The desperation to have our 'reality' acknowledged by our peers is easily seen through society with contests, education, elections, dating services, music, etc, that it can literally consume you...
But which 'reality' is the true 'you'?
The point is, if you can change your perception of who you are depending on who you are trying to please, then who ARE you in the first place?
Do you REALLY like that popular outfit that you saw in that magazine?
Are you REALLY generous towards others?
Do you REALLY like that song that person just sung?
Do you REALLY think that the food that person made for you is good?
Do you REALLY think that you need that person in your life?
Do you REALLY have to take that important, high paying job?
Are you willing to lose sight of yourself just to find comfort in others? Are you willing to brave loneliness to keep 'your reality' in check?
This is the nature of the Beast that lives inside of all of us.
So what is my 'Beast'? Love. The fact that I haven't had anyone who has cared about me enough to 'love' me completely is...difficult at best on me in the past, but in the past couple of days this has changed a little. The concept of 'loving yourself in order for others to love you' is true...as long as you realize that everyone isn't going to love you. Why?
Because even though everyone needs someone, the things they need FROM them are different. The needs can be superficial or spiritual, but they are there. And when you find someone who completely meets your needs(and vice versa), that forms the concept of 'love'. It's selfish at it's core, but that's what it is...and maybe I just haven't found that yet(or I might have but I'm not sure quite yet about her). Anyway, I'm gonna stop saying 'what is it about me that women don't like(or don't like enough)?', and instead say 'what is it about our needs that doesn't make us compatible?'
And so far...it's working. I feel quite at peace with myself and the confusion has lifted somewhat. My Beast has been embraced, fed, and put to bed.
It's amazing the level of clarity you can find at 1AM on a Saturday night. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Space Between Two Worlds: Samurai Champloo: Departure | | Subject: | As The Pendulum Swings... | | Time: | 10:55 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) discontent |
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| The more I think about this, the more I realize that our lives may just be too different. It's like there's this gap between us that I don't even know how to cross.
I'm a quiet guy, but I'm sarcastic to a fault. I'm very nice and willing to listen to what people have to say before I speak my piece, but some times I'm 'unaware' of what's going on around me(I guess). I'm the straightforward type but with matters of the heart I get hurt easily.
I like playing games(especially fighting games) to meet new people and fight/dominate competition. I do read comics and watch anime quite a bit, but I also write short stories whenever I have the time. I'd much rather listen to anime and game music than the trashy hip hop that's raiding the airwaves, but I still love old school hip-hop and rap.I don't/haven't gotten a chance to travel much, but one of my really favorite things to do is drive to different places and explore. I consider all of my friends trustworthy(even though I might tease them every once in a while), but there's only one or two that I would talk to about my insecurities and problems.
She's...not.
She's loud and does weird noises and facial expressions when she's playful. She's very nice and giving, but she doesn't have a good temper. She won't hesitate to let you know her piece of mind, but she's kinda insecure of herself and will ask the opinions of others. It takes alot to get her to trust someone, but once she does she would never steer you wrong. She's lazy in alot of ways but very determined in others. And she absoulutely hates to cry.
TBC... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| R: Matt's grandmother died last week.
L: That sucks.
R: Yeah.
L: ...So are you going to the funeral?
R: Nope.
L: Why not?
R: Because I didn't know her and I never even met her. Why would I go to a funeral of a person I don't know?
L: You're not going for her, you're going to support Matt and show him that you care about his state of being!
R: So you expect me to totally disregard the dead body just lying there? That's not the proper way to show respect to the dead!
L: That's not what I'm...
R: That IS what you're saying! How do you expect me to act around the dead body of a stranger? Wakes and funerals are about celebrating the life of a person and honoring them, right? If you know nothing about the person being honored, you're basically...intruding on the feelings and thoughts that the friends and family have! It's...just not right!
L: But you're going there to support your friend!! Don't you think he would want a friend or someone to be there with him during this time?
R: ...And do what? What can I POSSIBLY do to make him feel better? Saying 'Sorry for your loss' is stupid, because it's not my fault she died and it doesn't really describe what I want to say. Saying 'The pain will go away with time' is stupid as hell because it WON'T go away, it will just be easier to deal with and push in the back of your mind. And saying 'It was just her time' isn't really comforting and is really dependent on the circumstance of death(It HAS to be old age)!
L: ...you just don't understand...
R: Probably not because I can't rationalize it! That's the same as if a friend of my grandmother has died, and I was pressured to go. Why should I be there when I have no connection with the deceased? And there are other ways to show 'support' other than being in that type of situation, so...
L: If your grandmother died, wouldn't you want Erika to be there with you?
R: ...she wouldn't have to. She doesn't know her and I wouldn't have asked...
L: Answer the question.
R: ...It would be nice. But...
L: BUT that's the point. It would be nice to do.
R: BUT I don't have to. I can support Matt in my own way that won't cause me to question myself and my beliefs, right?
L: ...
R: Erika almost died last night via a severe asthma attack. I can't imagine how I would've reacted to that...I haven't told her how I felt about her, and I wouldn't even had a chance to see what would've happened to us in the future if it worked out. But I felt worse because I couldn't relieve her pain or prevent it, the only thing I could say is something stupid like 'I'm sorry you had to go through that', and 'If you would've died I've would've been crushed.' I'm just so powerless...
L: You can't prevent death. No one can. The only thing that we humans can do is try in their own way to support those who are left behind, and cherish those who you love and care for while they are still available to you. That's it.
R: Yeah...but it seems so empty, doesn't it? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | A moment when tension breaks-EVA OST II | | Subject: | Dreamscape: Vol 1 | | Time: | 03:32 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) okay |
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| Okay, my dreams are always weird as hell. The one I remember the most is when I was at my aunt's old house playing spades with some guys when Freddy Kruger walks in and starts chasing me(Keep in mind that I haven't seen the first Nightmare on Elm Street yet and I was about 12 when this happened).
So anyway I'm running back and forth around the house Tom and Jerry style, crying like a dumb ass, then all of a sudden I get ahold of myself and I stop running. I turn around, look at Freddy like he was a little roach, and I kick him in the balls! The dream ends with me stomping on him with the guys cheering me on in the background.
Who knows why that dream happened, but I had another one recently that is worth writing down.
...Okay in the dream I'm in ATL the day after a Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection tournament staying at one of the player's apartment(who's name I won't mention just because: I'll call him R). I'm talking to another player who stays over(who I'll call M) about strats, then R wakes up. We come up with a plan to go to the Arbor Place mall to play DR...and his closet door opens.
...And his girlfriend walks out. Korean chick. The closet is hella small.
Me: O.o Um...Hello?
Girl: (waves) :)
M: WTF?
Me: R, why is your girlfriend in the closet?
R: I don't know. I haven't seen her in two months.
Me:What? (Turns to girl) Why have you been in the closet?
Girl: I was looking for food.
Me: ..........(turns to look at R, he shakes his head in an 'man, I know as much as you do' fashion) well, what's your name?
Girl: Well...they call me Hyung-Ree. :)
Me: ...Hungry?
Hyung-Ree: Yes! That's it!
Needless to say, me and M just stared at her blankly and then turned to R, who just shrugged.
Anyway, we leave to go to AP, and on the way we see this fine ass latino girl wearing some tight black shorts and delivering the mail...
Me: Nice.
M: Damn!!!!!!!!!!
R: (giving M dap) Man, I'm gonna hit that cuz I GOTTA!!!!!!!!
Hyung-Ree: (smiles)
M: Man WTF?? (whispering)your girl is right there!!!
R: FUCK THAT B!+(#!!!....(turns to Hyung-Ree and smiles) I still love you though!
Hyung-Ree: :) (looks perfectly happy)
Me: ...? Anyway, where are we going to eat?
Hyung-Ree: Sandwich hut!!! :)
M: HELL NO! I'm not eating those damn rat sandwiches!!!
Hyung-Ree: They not rat! They pork buns!
M: They frying rats up in that bitch!! You can eat that shit if you wanna, but my ass is going to Hardees!!
Eventually we end up at AP, and everyone gets their own food. Hyung-Ree goes to Sandwich hut apparently and get these little sandwiches that kinda look like baby rats in a blanklet and starts eating them. And then...she starts doing this little...dance. The best way to describe it is a cross between a Japanese Kabuki actor's dance and a crack addict doing the Cabbage Patch. Needless to say I lost my appitite and we went to the arcade.
DR STILL wasn't out there so R got some quarters and started playing 5.1. Then his girl gets some quarters and put it into the machine.
R: What are you doing?
Hyung-Ree: I wanna play too!
R: But...you don't know how to play.
Hyung-Ree: Yeah I do!(Picks Kazuya)
R: Okay then...do a juggle!
Hyung-Ree: (takes her hands of the controller and turns to R with the MEANEST look I've ever seen, and starts juggling R in REAL LIFE!) DOORYA! DOORYA! Jab. DOORYA!!!
R: (Gets his back splatted against the wall) Why baby? (slides down wall).
Hyung-Ree: I still love you!! :)
And THEN this boy comes in with a Roger Jr. outfit on and says 'what I miss?'
It was one of the funnier dreams I had in a long time! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm pretty dumb. Not 'Dumb' is in being unintelligent, but dumb as in 'I getting caught with the same shit again?? What the fuck for?? How can I know all the early warning signs and STILL end up being ensnared in the same trap?? It's like I'm in the Strider/Doom trap™* or something!'
*Strider/Doom trap. Without going into details, it's basically getting pelted constantly by surrounding rocks and energy orbs until you die. Not a pleasant place to be in.
If you asked me why I'm so dumb...I couldn't really tell you any answer that was fulfilling except the fact that I repeat mistakes that are correct. Mistakes that everyone should make but aren't willing to because of the potential problems it could cause. Mistakes that end up costing you your sanity.
I can't help it though...making those 'mistakes' are apart of my nature. I help people because I know how it feels to be hurt, and lonely, and untrustworthy, so for those few people who I come in contact with and do have a common bond with I do whatever I can to ease their pain. But my pain...
Then again I'm just stupid. I shouldn't expect something because something was given. The heart doesn't understand the concept of 'equivalent exchange', and...
I'M CONFUSED! LET'S START OVER OKAY???????
Ahem.
Yvonne never wrote back. Well she did, but let's just say that what she wrote didn't really fly as a letter. The thing is that, it didn't really hurt much since I've gotten over her(with some help, but that's part of my new problem), but what really hurts is that I lost a friend that I didn't want to lose. And I feel that it's my fault because I said what I felt in my heart instead of staying quiet and not making her feel alienated or defensive when it comes to me. I guess you could say that 'if she distanced herself from you and didn't show that she at least cared about you as a friend, then she wasn't much of one to begin with'...but what if I drove her to that due to my 'selfishness' of wanting a relationship with her?
So...Meet a person, end up becoming friends with them, then you start caring for them...If you tell them it could blow up in your face. If you don't you'll have to stand around and support their relationship with someone else.
Rocks. Orbs. Death.
I know the signs. I know the danger. So why am I headed down that road again?
Maybe I should just go out with some random girl and have heaps of meaningless sex to get my mind off of it. Maybe I should try to meet another person and [i]hope[/i] that my mind is completely focused on her. Maybe I should go to China and become a hermit.
Maybe I shouldn't think about it so much.
Sorry about all the emotional shit lately. Next time I'll write something funny. I PROMISE!!! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| FUN FACT: The name 'Rashid' means 'king' or 'leader'. At least that's what my mom says...
There's a saying that clothes make the man, and for the most part it's correct. If you're eye is trained enough, IMO it's quite possible to know one's personality from the things that they wear. So it's an extension of oneself (Which explains all the different types of clothing styles there are).
My selection of clothes is very limited and very simple. What does that tell you about me?
I don't have expensive tastes and I don't wear flashy clothes. I'm just a simple person who enjoys the simple things in life. Which is good, but...is it wrong? This will take some explaining...
See, I'm a pretty lonely guy. I have a semi-cool family and some really good friends, but I don't have a girlfriend or anybody that cares for me romantically. And there are alot of times where I want to be next to a person like that, but can't. So I wonder what makes me different than those guys that DO have that...and I instantly think of money and status.
Okay, I completely understand that no one wants to go through life poor, and there is something attractive about having status and ambition...But the focus of someone's life shouldn't be to become rich and famous. It should be about enjoying your life while you still have it, IMO...but everyone doesn't see it that way.
Long story short: I have a decent job and education. I try to focus my life towards enjoying it instead of money. I'm thoughful, kinda intelligent, and very nice, who would never cheat or hurt someone I was with. I do have my faults, and maybe there are alot of things that women notice in me that can put them off in a major way, but i'm pretty considerate of the individuals that I'm around and a overall good person. But yet I'm still lonely and single.
So yeah, some times I wonder if I just won the lottery, brought a whole bunch of Ecko/Sean John clothes and a pimp looking Hummer, and owned a tight ass house, would I be able to walk into any club or hotspot and walk out with any girl I want?
But after a couple of seconds I realize, once again, how stupid that would be. Even if that could happen, I don't want to be with anyone who is attracted to me because what I have(or didn't have) or what I look like. I want women to care about me because I'm worth caring for. But who knows when that's going to happen(maybe when women get into their late 20's-early 30's, at least if the theory holds up)...
Until then I refuse to change anything about myself. I'm fine just the way I'm am...and my clothes are too. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Innocence (Rurouni Kenshin OST) | | Subject: | Reflections | | Time: | 03:46 pm | | Current Mood: | lonely |
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| You know, for all the people in all the races in all the places in the world, people are fundamentally the same. They laugh, they love, and they cry the same as you do even if there beliefs and lifestyles are different. So sometimes, if you look past the surface and you look into a person's heart, you'll see your reflection staring back at you.
For example, why do you think there are so many songs about heartbreak riding the airwaves? Because everyone, no matter how old they are or where they are, has experienced the pain of lost/rejected love. And whether or not we admit it to ourselves, everyone needs...solace. Comfort. And a hug, maybe, to repair the damage done.
But not everyone gets those things, and they end up shutting their hearts in because it just gets to be too much to handle after a while. Betrayal after mistake after misunderstandings eventually gets the better of us...until the last thing to go is your trust.
Even after all this, I think that what you have to keep in mind that you aren't the only one, and eventually you'll find someone who can help heal your heart(If you give them and yourself half a chance). Just keep looking in the mirror and you might see it.
You know, Yvonne still hasn't wrote back yet... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My friends all know that I'm an optimistic guy. I believe that I can make anything work out. I have faith in MOST things, almost to the point of gullibility.
But working for the Georgia Department of Revenue slowly, but surely, made me admit a simple truth that I've been blind to and denied for so long.
And that truth is, people in fact...are stupid.
Let's go over the facts:
-Why else would someone call us asking how to get rid of a bat in the attic of a laundrymat??
-Who else but a mentally disturbed person tell me that God is gonna punish ME for stealing his refund check?
-Is there any other excuse for someone who's starting a business to skip over 3 PAGES of instructions, just to fill out the registration form COMPLETELY WRONG????
-Why would you admit to us that you aren't going to pay taxes because you ex-boss pissed you off?
-If you aren't from the U.S., and I need to get your SSN, why in the hell would you give me your passport and your bank card??? Better yet, why give me your driver's license if you KNOW the number isn't the same as your social?
-How would I know if you paid your taxes?? Shouldn't YOU know that???
-If I tell you that you called the revenue department, why in the hell would you ask me if you called the health deparment? Or cancel a dentist appointment? Or talk to student affairs????
-And why in the world would you try to get tax returns done from 1972?? AND EXPECT A REFUND????
I could tell you more, but you get the point. Reading is fundamental. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| (Today, the part of Lydell will be played by Erika.)
-The following transcript happened on June 29th via email during the course of the work day. The same day I found out that Raquel died.
R: I just found out this girl I knew in college got hit by a truck and died.
E: Oh Lord!! Where did this happen?
R: Yesterday on the road, but I don’t know exactly where. I didn’t know her that well, but we were still cool. So I’m caught off guard right now.
E: Well, I’m sorry to hear about it. Is that y u r wearin black?
R: Well…no. I found out about it when I got to work. Coincidence really.
E: LOL oh.
R: That lady that came in about 30 minutes ago basically gave me a sermon about god healing my pains. What made her think I wanted to hear that?
E: Well you DO look downtrodden today and the fact that you ARE wearing black does NOT help……She probably figured you need spiritual uplifting. LOL!
R: I guess so, but there are just some things you shouldn’t say to people if you don’t how they feel about certain subjects. Sorry, my views of religion are different than most…
E: That’s ok everybody is entitled to their own opinion AS LONG AS it IS their own and is not influenced by unfounded fact or jibberish but rather serious introspection. What are your views if you don’t mind me asking?
R: Well…I’m the type of person who keeps an open mind about situations and ideas, instead of rushing off and having an automatic opinion. With that said, I’m open to the idea that there may be a higher being, but that doesn’t mean I acknowledge the existence of one. However my problem is that most people who are so called ‘religious’, blindly follow the faith and beliefs of their god as if they’re the one and only truth. Nevermind the fact that some of these look down or ignore other gods or religions(Greeks, Egyptians, Muslims, etc), they tend to live by the decree of ‘If my god says it’s wrong, then it must be bad.’ I mean, just look at all the crap that went down with homosexual marriage and the church near last years election. Of course, all this is fine if that’s how you personally feel(what you believe is fine), but if your only beliefs are those written in text and you affect others’ lives because of those beliefs, then I have a issue with that.
E: Well that makes sense to me and I don’t think your opinions are too different they are just all encompassing and non judgemental of the differences contained in various religions. It’s rather open-minded if you ask me. That’s a good way to be….
R:Yeah I try to be that way a lot. I just hate the fact that people feel the need to turn to a deity for support instead on relying on their own strength and faith in themselves. That’s being lazy...did you say you drooled on my desk??
E: UUMMMM……….uh uh. I did. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Rock Lee's Theme-Naruto OST 3 | | Subject: | Knowledge no Jutsu | | Time: | 08:50 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) cheerful |
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| I have a new hero. Naruto Uzumaki.
It’s not because he’s a prankster or an easy going kind of guy, it’s because he IS the personification of faith.
The kid has been cursed since birth to be nothing but a monster. The people thought he would never amount to anything in his life, an his less than stellar accomplishments almost had him believing that.
But he had a dream. That one day he would become the strongest fighter ever. And he was not going to let anyone deter him from his path, to make him feel less than he was.
So he fought for his dream. Every shred of skill he learned was preceded by countless failures. Every celebration was accompanied by people mocking him. But in the end, not only was he able to create his own path, he was able to straighten out the paths of those around him.
Hinata’s renewal of self-respect. Sasuke’s determination of his goals. Iruka’s confidence in his pupil. And countless people who saw him among the way. He’s changed all their lives by his dreams and the strength that it gives him. He’s changed me too. Or rather he’s helped me straighten my path. Renew my faith in myself.
I really don’t have a life goal like Naruto does. I don’t want to be rich. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be a sports star or champion. I don’t even want to save the world from aliens. I just want…for one simple day…to live in happiness without worrying about anything. About money, about annoying events, about loneliness. And I don’t want to give up on that…not even for a moment.
I still don’t have a really good post-college job, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to take some bullshit job at Mcdonalds or something just because I need money. You can say ‘pride comes before a fall’ all you want, but if I did something like that it would be as if I’m giving up. And I’d rather die than give up on my dream. I’ve worked too hard to just sell myself for stability…to me that’s not living.
I also was never an A class student in college. I’ve had to take so many Math classes over that I thought I was never going to graduate, and even now I feel sometimes that I’m not good enough to be a skilled programmer. But I still study when I can so that one day, I will be confident enough to perform. I refuse to let my degree and skill die because I’m not sure of myself. That’s not living.
To me living is about the realization of a person’s dream. To strive for what makes you content without sacrificing your beliefs and faith. To work hard for your goals…regardless if you are a genius or a idiot. And as long as I live, I will always aim for my goal no matter how far I have to go.
That’s my way of the ninja. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| There aren't many things that come to the average person's mind when they think about Georgia. It's not the kind of state that you look at a map and say 'Damn, I wish I could go there!' Honestly, IMO, there are only three things that Georgia is really known for(That's relavent to people around my age anyway).
1:Outkast
2:St. Patrick's Day
3:Tekken Competition
Assuming you listen to music, you should know who Outkast is. And for anyone who are career drunkards, GA has the second largest(if not the largest) St. Patty's day celebration in the US which is held in Savannah.
The Tekken thing will take some explanation. See, the central areas for the game of tekken across the US are: St Louis, Missouri; Cali; Texas; and Atlanta, Georgia. You go there to play, you better be damn good or else you won't get that far. However, there are disputes about which area is the best, and those make for funny conversation.(just in case you didn't know, the competitive fighting game arena is fueled with shit talking)
This entry is my report of the events surrounding T5 regionals and Final Round 8. So you get two for the price of one. Lucky you.
Tekken 5 Regionals: Atlanta
Unlike Capcom's lazy ass, Namco actually sponsors their own national tournament. The catch is, to participate in the Nationals you have to get one of the top two spots in the regional tournaments held throughout the US(and Canada and Puerto Rico). So Team Savannah is off to try our luck and see if we can get famous. We are already known by most of the Atlanta players(Savannah still isn't as good as ATL but we aren't scrubs either. Let's get it right), so we know what to expect.
The friday we get there we head to the tournament grounds: a mall that had 4 T5 machines in the arcade there. People from as far as Chicago and STL(St. Louis)come down and the shit is crowded. All of a sudden the shit talking starts. See, this guy named Dr. Dogg(good Feng player and pretty cool guy all around) came from out of town on his quest to gain entry into Nationals. And then words were exchanged...
Dogg: I don't know...I don't think ATL is gonna take this tournament.
Mon: What did you say??
(Note: Mon-ATL Hypeman and shittalker. Pretty good with Bryan. One of my favorite people in Atlanta.)
Dogg: I just saying, I just came from STL's regional and the level of competition looked alot better.
Mon: Wait a minute, what the hell did you say? Who the fuck are you?
Random guy: That's Dr. Dogg.
Mon: OOooooohhh! Dr. Dogg talking that shit!(everybody's paying attention to this by now)
Dogg: Hey, there's some STL players who are coming, and judging from the comp I don't see ATL taking the top 3 spots.
Mon: You must be out of your fucking mind. No ones come to ATL and win shit. Don't you know that Atlanta is the fucking Korea of the U.S.???
Note: JOP, Texas player and considered the best in TTT, is originally from ATL. Jackie Tran, winner of T4 at EVO(can't remember which one) is from ATL. Alot of former ATL players who moved to other cities are commonly known to be strong. Oh yeah, Korea is know for having the strongest Tekken players on Earth.)
Dogg: Say what?
Mon: You heard what I said. You must be smoking that shit if you think STL is gonna come here and run shit.
Dogg: I heard that Mick is coming here too, and I don't think you guys are on that level.
Mon: The fuck? Mick? He's FROM ATL!
Around this time Clint gets of the machine. Clint is regarded the strongest overall player in ATL. Won EVERY Final Round to date and got 3rd in Nationals...with Ganryu. Pretty humble guy all around so it was funny when he turns his attention to the conversation and says...
Clint: You over there shit talking so much, why don't you get on the stick and get your ass whooped!
Dogg: I just walked in here! I need some warm up time before I whoop up on ATL.
Mon & Clint: AAAAwwwwww!
Mon: Damn. You Sorry.
Clint: Man, I know what you're doing! You're riding STL's dick, aren't you? You're jacking them up, aren't you? (making jack motions)'Oh, STL's soo good! Oh STL's unbeatable! STL! STL! Oh...Oh...OHHH..OOHHHHH!!!'
Everyone else: LOL!!!
Eventually Dogg played Clint, lost about 4 or so games straight, and went to another machine.
Nothing else really happed that night comp wise. I got my ass beat by Truth for a while to learn how to fight Feng(the cheating bitch), I beat up WayGamble for a while(4-2 I think), and Sim's Eddy was cleaning house for a bit.
And if you want to get a different perspective, here's the official article.
http://www.gamedaily.com/general/feature/?id=568&source=00001
Guess who wrote it. And I'm still not finished yet... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Quick question: What is the most hated profession around the world?
If you didn't immediately think 'salesman', then obviously I need to live where you are. Because in every society I could think of, the salesman has been hated because they are like locusts. They hound you to choose a product. They follow you around, jumping at the chance to engage you in seller's convo. They tell you needless things to get you to spend money on something. And at the end of the day, it's all about the money. I hate them all.
And around Christmas time last year, I used to be one of them.
Working at Media Play was, overally, a chore. You always had to worry about making a certain amount of money each day(even though they give you impossible goals for a rookie), which unless you're really good means you have unneccessary stress coming your way. That's a great motivator for performing your job well.
Let's not even talk about the fact that it's the HOLIDAY Season. Ugh.
I think...that money is bad. But I'll touch on that later. Time for lunch. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Wind-Naruto OST | | Subject: | RRXX:\Reload | | Time: | 09:08 am | | Current Mood: | chipper |
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| Been a long time has it? Since November I think...
Well, since I have regular access to my journal now, I'm going to start writing again, and I have a crap load of stories to tell you guys...
Anyway, as an overview of what's going on now, well I work for the State of Georgia at the department of Revenue. It's not a CS job(even though I run through databases all the time), but it's a funny one which I will explain in detail.
I play a WHOLE lot of Tekken 5 on my off time, since I finally tourney ready for that game. I've been traveling to Atlanta semi regularly for comp, especially after Final Round 8 two weeks or so ago. I plan to go to Evo this year, especially since it will be in Vegas!
I got access to a car now!!!...but I can't drive it yet. It's a stick so it will take time to learn(but mom keeps draining the battery!!)
I finally got into Naruto. It's now one of my top three anime series.
...and that's it without getting too in-depth. That's for the later posts | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Unfortunately it doesn't matter now, since they flaunted their strength for improper reasons. The religious cults have made their piece known by concentrating on morality than economics, which is nowhere near fair, but others have to pay the price. But they aren't the only people who flaunt their strength: The 'rich' struggle for one thing, the minorities struggle for another, pregnant women tend to vote one way, soldiers vote another...
The main point of this isn't to say why Bush won.(Truthfully, I still would be writing this if Kerry had won instead). It's to try and understand what the hell is up with people these days. They vote as groups with common interests so they can gain what they want, but not as individuals with their own thoughts. (You can say that individuals can come together as a group and it would be the same thing, but groups are stronger than individuals by far.)
People aren't equal. And without equality you won't have true freedom. Right now it's not about the good of all. It's not about justice. It's not about seeking neutrality. It's not about right. It's not about wrong.
It's about power.
But with power, shouldn't there come responsibility?
P.S. Is it just me, or is Homosexuality becoming the new racism? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| "It's about power. Who has it and who knows how to use it." -Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
Those were the first words I heard Tuesday morning. Didn't think that much of it at the time, but at the end of the day those words were echoing through my brain.
Why you ask?? If you are an American you should know why, but I'll explain it for you just in case you missed the memo.
The U.S. is supposed to be based on one simple principle: Freedom. Freedom to think however you want without getting RC'd because you aren't comforming to a standard. A good example of this is voting, because you are able to voice your opinion based on what you feel the direction of the country should be.
However Power > Freedom in the U.S. It can nullify pure freedom to the point where you have to eventually bow down to it. And as far as voting goes, it turns it from an act of exercising freedom to a power struggle.
Now, let's think about Tuesday's stunning election results. Homosexual marriages, abortion rights...how many times have you heard these issues raised on the news during election coverage? Now how many times have you heard about the economy??? I'm betting alot less times.
Okay guys, here's the part where I have trouble thinking: HOW IN THE HELL CAN PEOPLE POSSIBLY DECIDE THE FATE OF THE COUNTRY BASED ON YOUR PERSONAL BELIEFS??? AND WHAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY CAN DICTATE THE LIVES OF OTHERS???
First of all, wouldn't it make more sense to decide by concentrating on something more important...like....I don't know...THE ECONOMY??? It's terrible!!
Secondly, it would be one thing if these people voted about the human rights issues with their own moral judgements, But it's totally another when the majority are Catholics by nature who base their morality by what's in a book.
And before you readers even say anything about my thoughts on religion...
Taken from this thread from SRK...
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Originally Posted by RokChik
You know in a thread that's about acceptance, to go and call the Bible a myth and a fairytale is highly fucking offensive. Have some respect, please!
Originally Posted by Ponta-kun
Proof that the Bible is anything other than a myth or a fairytale plz. Honestly.
It's not offensive any more than people insisting that the Bible is the absolute truth can be offensive to me. That's what freedom of religion means. In my case, it's a perfectly valid decision that I choose freedom FROM religion. That's all I want, religious people not preaching to me, and legislation being determined by logic and sound reasoning rather than 'faith-based initiatives' or any kind of assumed morality, by the majority or otherwise.
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There is NO ONE religion. No religion has been proven to be the truth, and religious people seem to forget that there have been and are many religions and deities(greek gods, Jesus, Bhudda, Rugal, etc.) My beef is that people take the teachings of their chosen religion to be law for their life. How many people have said that 'Homosexual marriages are wrong because the bible says it is' or some variation like that?? It's okay if they don't stop praying for things to happen or living their life to someone else's teachings or standards, but that's not okay when they are affecting other people with that via voting. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SEPERATION BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE????
Part 2 in a minute, I'm on a public computer. Grrr. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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